i clipped in.

In an earlier post I referenced a bicycle accident I had in the summer of 2009. The recovery from that has been long and not so straight forward. I almost lost cycling because it stopped being fun. It was stressful. I was too anxious to ride. 6 months after the crash I got a therapist. A few months after that I got Helga and rediscovered the joy of cycling. However, in the 18 months since my crash I have been unable to clip-in on my road bike.

A few days ago, and at the urging of my therapist, I took the bull by the horns.

It was a sudden realization that today would be the day I clipped in. That was how I thought of it: "clipping in". That described the entire thing. All the anxiety, the turmoil, the struggles. It was "clipping in".

I got my road bike ready. Doubled check the tires. Made sure my spare tube and patch kit were in order. I took a few deep breathes and put my shoes on. This wasn't the first time I'd worn my shoes since the crash. When I ride Helga I clip-in, but it is entirely different on a trike. You don't clip out until you're done riding. This is why Helga is so good for me. On a road bike, you have to clip out every time you stop (unless you're one of those crazy people that can just balance forever on two wheels).

When I first sat down on my bike with my shoes on, I didn't really feel anything. I wasn't thinking about everything that could go wrong, I was just breathing. That was all I heard. Air coming in. Air going out.

I clipped in my left foot and stood there for a few seconds. It felt a little odd, but mostly okay. So I pushed off the ground with my right foot and started down my driveway. Once I hit the street I clipped my right foot in. *click* I love that sound. It's like a baby's laughter or waves at the ocean...  I briefly closed my eyes because I feel such joy... Then my blood started pumping pretty loudly. My street was only a hundred yards long. I unclipped immediately.

I didn't clip my right foot back in until I reached the main section of my ride. About 4 miles of open road. it felt good to really push myself on the road bike. I hadn't done that in 18 months. I felt amazing. Well, at least for the first 4 miles. On the way back, my ass reminded me that I wasn't used to that skinny little seat anymore.

So. I did it. I had a major milestone. I clipped in on my road bike. My therapist actually yelped with joy and clapped when I told her. She is just as emotionally invested in this journey as I am.

It feels good.

--AC